have you ever stopped to ask yourself, "how am i feelin'?"  what is the reply?  little bit nervous?  little bit frustrated?  have you ever thought, "dang, yo, i'm a pretty cool dude!"  if not, why do you think that is?  are there any things in your life which are causing the discomfort?  decisions you have made?  people you have crossed?  i'm not talking about real life sorrow here, the kind we can't avoid, losing loved ones, and the tears and the pain.  no, i'm talking about how you feel about your SELF.  your conduct.  your actions.  how do you feel right now in this moment?  are you happy with how your life is going?  wish certain things would change?  sometimes, it is nice to check in with ourselves, say, "how you doin', man?  feelin' good?"  chances are, if you stop to ask yourself how things are going and the answer is, "not so good," there might be logical explanations for why you feel distraught.  perhaps it was that piece of banana cheesecake you ate last night at two in the morning.  maybe it was the way you lost your temper with your cousin when she asked if she could borrow your car.  maybe it was something from your childhood which you just can't let go.  most likely, these things are understandable, if we take time to find the root causes of our stress.  for example, maybe you didn't get the right kind of nurturing as a child that you so desperately needed, which made you testy and easily provoked, which made you lash out at the lunch lady, who was working so hard to get by with five kids and two jobs. 

it's natural to feel bad about poor decisions.  although there is usually a clear explanation as to why A led to B which led to C.  do you give yourself a lot of flack?  when you ask yourself, "how am i feelin'?" what is the tone of the voice responding?  do you harshly cut yourself down to size, saying, "what the hell is wrong with me?  why am i like this and that?"  well, i would like to offer respite from the storm.  we are human.  we are still in the midst of our evolution, unaware as to why and how we wound up alive on this lovely strange Earth.  is it not natural for there to be mistakes and mishaps along the way?  shall we beat ourselves up until our dying day for causes beyond our control? 

now, i'm NOT saying if you slay strangers in dark alleys at night that you should let yourself off the hook...but most of us are naturally confused and trying our best, and of course we slip up.  of course we yell and lose control.  of course.  and so it is that we learn to grow into ourselves and be respectful, caring adults.  ready to hold ourselves accountable.  but in order to hold ourselves accountable without self-destructive criticism, it may be important that we make peace with our past and see clearly how we become who we are.  if we can see the simple equation of our lives, chances are, we will ease up in our critical self-controlling thoughts.  we will allow ourselves the room to fuck up, and fix it from there.  there is always time to repair. 

so, i ask you, "how you feelin'?"  i would like to be the first to say, "i think you're doing pretty darn well."  and if you're not feeling so hot about yourself, why do you think that is so?  can you see clearly why you are what you are?  can you give yourself a break?  are there a few people you feel the need to apologize to?  ok, well, simple enough.  write them a letter.  better yet, write yourself a letter first.  make peace with yourself.  the rest will fall naturally into place.  i think you're doing a great job.  try not to fret.  or fret not to try.  either way, time shall march on.  best wishes, fellow friends!

chris

when things get tough, people say, "look on the bright side.  life is beautiful.  it is fleeting.  don't dwell on the dark side of reality."  and i say, "sure, you definitely have a point."  and then i notice that i am struggling against a natural flow.  sometimes, life actually is hard.  and when we force ourselves to see only the positive, we are cutting ourselves off from nature.  decay is natural.  we want to avoid decay at all costs.  i would like to say, "yes!"  yes, decay, i shall face you first and foremost.  when i feel the struggle to convince myself to stay positive, to stay happy, i can feel my energy rapidly depleting.  perhaps when i notice this struggle, it is a sign that i am fighting against my true nature.  perhaps what we must do first is to acknowledge the pain.  let it in.  try our best to feel the pain, to hold the hurt.  to understand why and how it arises.  is it really so bad to be down and out?  perhaps if we allow ourselves the space to feel like shit from time to time, we can actually navigate through the walls of hurt and emerge on the other side a truly positive individual.  i fear that the struggle to control our emotions is the root to all violence.  can you feel it?  can you feel yourself struggling to stay upstream?  do you feel uncomfortable when those around you are hurting?  can you feel how exhausting this is?  perhaps the real challenge is not to convince ourselves and others to be positive, but to allow ourselves time to grow a capacity to hold the pain.  for when we fight against the pain, we are fighting against something real.  when something unfortunate occurs in our lives, are there not countless friends telling us to look on the bright side?  is this possible?  or can we comfortably exist in the full spectrum of human emotion?  can you sit with your pain?  do you squirm?  do you struggle?  are you tired?  i too am tired of turning away from the pain.  once we face the pain, it becomes like smoke in the air, swirling around and dissipating and finally vanishing.  when it inevitably comes again, we sit.  we breathe.  we notice ourselves struggling to control the feeling.  this is a natural process.  of course we turn away from the pain.  it hurts!  but to grow, to truly evolve and understand our nature and to grow a capacity for compassion, we must learn to be with our feelings, no matter what they might be.  let us not fight ourselves.  let us find the strength to breathe through the tears.  through the struggle.  i care so much about this world.  i see us afraid.  i see us in turmoil.  can you see it on the faces of the people who pass you by on the street?  can you feel their pain?  the lines along my face grow deep with distress.  but to be present with the feelings, to be aware of the flow of emotions, is the greatest challenge.  if we can face the fear, the struggle, the hurt, and hold it and accept it through understanding, we can evolve into the magical beings that we are.  this is our true nature.  we are children of the stars.  we are alone together.  to find ourselves.  to feel ourselves.  to be human.  to be what we are.  i wish you the strength to survive.  your friend, chris.

hello.  i am listening to the birds.  every once in a while a jet flies over head and it sounds like the ocean.  when i woke, the sunlight was orange against the pump house out back.  it is now liquid yellow.  very nice.  i ate a fruit which was like a pear mixed with a plum but i don't know what it's called.  it's arbitrary anyway, as words are not what things are.  all i know is, shit was good.  last night, i watched part one of the john adams mini series, which was on HBO not too long ago.  david told me about it.  checking it out.  it's interesting that this country was founded by dudes who felt oppressed by the wealthy elite ruling class.  it struck me as ironic, since the country has since degenerated back into the haves and the have-nots (if it ever was such a utopia at all).  although, i suppose that is the story of human history.  i wondered, will this ever change?  has it ever been different? are we able to share?  really share?  i know for a fact that we don't need to eat as much as we eat.  in this country alone, if we were to cut portions of food down by two-thirds, we could feed the whole world.  people really do starve out there.  here i am nibbling on a tiny strange fruit.  so it goes.  being aware of these things helps me make better choices.  do i buy a big bag of apples and eat half while the rest rotts?  or can i get by on an apple a day?  water.  maybe a carrot here and there.  nuts?  you know the funniest thing about food in this country is that there are too many empty calories.  pretty much anything that comes out of a box or is sealed in a plastic bag has little or no nutritional value, which means your body is going to signal hunger more quickly after you eat, because it's not getting nutrients.  so you keep eating and eating.  i too am a victim of the american food machine.  although in the last year i have been consciously feeding myself natural foods which the earth provides out of the goodness of it's soil/heart.  these foods are much more sustaining than a veggie burger from the freezer.  you don't need to eat as much, which is much better for the world at large, since there is a tremendous food shortage.  try it out.  try eating fruits, nuts, and vegetables for a while.  see how good you feel.  you will not be constantly hungry.  or perhaps you will, in which case, eat more fruit.  i think about this sometimes, hearing about starving nations.  little children who can't eat cause there's no food around.  and it's an issue here in america because we overeat which naturally depletes the food supply.  but the funny thing is, if you eat foods that your body appreciates, it doesn't holler at you for more.  this is a strange tangent.  but an important one.  food and water will become a critical issue in the years to come.  as of now, there is little education about food in this country.  but we will learn, even if it's out of necessity.  try eating a bag of grapes.  eat just grapes for a day.  see how you feel.  if it doesn't work out, go back to your artery clogging quarter pounder with cheese.  if you think about it, it is quite obvious.  this small choice can have a great impact.  not only on the world at large, but on our bodies, which are our minds, which are the world.  it is a nice convenient circle.  if we take care or ourselves, we take care of the world.  if we all make decisions based on how they affect the world at large, at the very least, our conscious awareness will be making the world a better place.  being aware of ourselves, being aware of our neighbors and loved ones, seeing through the eyes of the sun.  this can change the world.  i love you.  hope you eat an apple today!

love!